Okay, now where was I?

Oh yes, so we left off with me explaining how my recent bout of anxiety attacks is none other than my Divinity giving me a “thunk on the head” that I need to do better with my mental / emotional health. I’ve let my empathy run me over and it’s left me floundering in other people’s emotions. I have to free my joy from under the blanket of fear, insecurity, anxiety, hate, etc. that has cropped up in a couple of people I interact with on a daily basis. I also need to reclaim some personal space that is free from other people’s energy. I’m an introverted empath and have NOT had a single, SOLITARY retreat in ages.

As I like to practice what I preach (coming in July, The Next Chapter – Turning the Page from Dreams to Reality), I’m going to initiate a 30 day challenge in which I shut off the world via any type of screen – phone, computer, television – by five o’clock pm. My time between when I get home from work, which is now going to be around 6:30 pm, and the time I go to bed, which I hope to be no later than 10pm, will be spent hand writing my words for July Camp NaNo, exercising, doing yoga, and meditating.  My weekend screen hours will shift to Saturday night (if I’m at home) between six and ten, and none on Sunday as that’s my self-care day anyway.

I’m still not sure if I’m going to take the anxiety med or not. I’ve got a follow up with the nurse practitioner in July. I’m hopeful that between now and then, I can turn this around with the exercise, yoga, meditation deal. If I haven’t, then I’ll think again about taking the med. sigh

So, okay, that’s it. As my Morning Pages continue to be the new spot for this kind of life processing,  I will be back to blogging on a more regular basis. Look for my posts to become more engaging in that I’ll be asking more questions and sharing the successes / lessons learned as I continue on this journey. I really hope you’ll stick around.

Sending Love and Light,

Dana

Where have the words gone?

I’m beginning to think my Morning Pages routine has usurped my Blog in terms of where I go to process my life. Used to be I’d post my inner ramblings (edited of course) here whenever the words demanded release, or I needed to “think”. Since entering the 8th month of daily Morning Pages, I’ve noticed a decidedly dramatic dip in how often I want to blog. There’s also quite the difference in what I post. I’ve been re-blogging mostly, or droping the barest of words into the blank post “page”.

That’s soon to change though as I’m in the final few weeks before the official business launch. Sure, I’ve been writing, publishing, and in some ways coaching new writers since 2008 but this year is the year I make my business known to the state and feds (damn taxes) AND I actively solicit clients for not just one or two business ventures, but three!

The websites are up, one of which is sorely in need of creative content. I’ll wrap that up in the next two – three weeks. I’ll send off for my business license on my birthday (just feels right to do it that way), and then announce the grand openings and such on July 18th, the official birthday of my first ever SELF published book.  There will be a book release announcement that day as well (FINALLY!!!).

Now, about my recent physical health worries. Talked with the nurse practioner. As we discussed my “symptoms”, she and I concluded that what I’m having are anxiety attacks. Mind you, I’ve had one or two before but they didn’t feel as whack-a-doodle, nor did they repeat themselves on the daily. But okay, anxiety attacks. She of course, prescribed a pill. Now mind you, I am sensitive to drugs. My OTC headache med gets me high, I’m that level of sensitive. I have a high threshold for pain as well so eschew using any type of pain meds harder than say Tylenol or Advil. I was once given morphine after a surgery and as soon as I could catch someone between automatic IV drips, I made them take it away. The nurses were dumbfounded but I was adamant. They took to giving me children’s Tylenol with my meal and even that went unused.  Anyway, given what I know about my reaction to drugs, I am RELUCTANT to take this pill. Even though she swore it was the mildest dose she could give me, I am RELUCTANT. Ha, the idea of taking the med makes me even more anxious; oh the irony.

So, with all that’s going on in my life right now, and believe me, there is more than I’m posting here. My Morning Pages can attest to that. With all that I have going on, I’ve decided that this is nothing more than my Divinity sending me a loud message that I need to work more on my mental and emotional health / wellbeing.  I’ve spent the majority of my life since my last ear infection in the 9th grade, extremely healthy. Physically. But as I’m aging, my body can’t keep all its systems in top condition without the aid of a sound MIND. I’m not thinking / feeling healthy which is prompting me to make some not so sound decisions. Consequently, my body is sending a loud signal that something’s out of whack. Hence, the anxiety.

I’m sorry, is this post dragging on?  I can’t see the current post word count, my auto-hide function on my tool bar seems to not be working. Sigh.  Either way, this has been quite the ramble. I’ll stop here for now and come back tomorrow with the rest of the story.

Hope you have a wonderful day,

Sending Love and Light

Dana

If you could see inside my soul…

Here are just a few of the items you’d find:

  • a note pad and an ornately carved ink pen with a fine tip. The ink inside would randomly change color to cover all the spectrum of the rainbow.
  • a seven year old playing, skipping, reading, but mostly day dreaming of all kinds of things

Dana in Denver, 1974

  • an angsty 13 year old who worries constantly about self worth; she has a stack of magazine “issues” with titles like, “Daddy”, “Slut or Saint”, “Extreme Shame”, “Guilt Illustrated”, etc.

giphy

  • a bookshelf crammed with an ever growing number of volumes of an encyclopedia series titled, Living with Brown Skin.
  • a Dragon with wings shaped like a butterfly’s, but colored more like an arrangement of crystals

Onyx Butterfly

  • my Divinity (although She’s not in any recognizable form most of the time, you can tell it’s Her by the glow that always surrounds Her)
  • tons of music

What’s in your gullet? 😉

Sending love and light…

Dana

Growing older


Random TEDx talk I watched this morning as I was trying to squelch this growing unease.

I’m at home, having had a most uncomfortable morning of symptoms without connection to any known illness I’ve ever had. This is the second time I’ve felt this way but the first, I was over it by 6:30 am and able to go to work. This time, I made it to the end of the block before I felt I had to rush back home.  I’m afraid to be honest. I turn 50 years old in a few weeks. Is that at all relevant? Is my healthy streak coming to an end so abruptly?

My 49th year on the planet has seen an alarming increase in how much I sweat, drastic changes in my body temperature…not just hot flashes, but what feel like almost hourly fluctuation between extremes. My bladder seems confused, one minute it thinks it’s full to bursting and it is, the next it thinks it’s full again, but it isn’t. I wake almost every morning with an odd, not quite stuffy sensation in my ears and behind my eyes, one nostril will be swollen shut. It takes me an hour from the time I wake up to get back to feeling “normal” in my head. I haven’t slept through the night consistently in 24 years, but this year it seems more stressful on my day to day, even though I’m not falling asleep at stop lights anymore. I find myself feeling weak all over, as if I’m losing control over my arms and legs. I get tingly, then very anxious.  There are times walking through the grocery store when I have the briefest sensation that I’m going to fall down, that my legs won’t support me.

I don’t feel ‘normal’ – is this normal as one ages?

With the new job last November came new insurance and a new “doctor”.  I put doctor in quotes because although I scheduled the appointment to see the doctor as listed in the directory on my insurance, I never saw her. I went in for my yearly physical and was seen by three different nurse practitioners, one who was in training.  I sat and listened as the two conducting the exam (one licensed, the other the trainee) discussed what should be checked as if I weren’t in the room. I had my knees tapped with the small mallet, my blood pressure taken twice, my temperature taken once, asked the briefest of questions about my overall health, then dismissed to give blood.  Quite the change from any doctor’s visit I’ve ever had before where my blood pressure and temperature were taken by a nurse practitioner, who also asked me a butt ton of questions, then had me dress in   in that large piece of paper towel and told me to wait for the DOCTOR who then came in  to push, poke, and in some cases prod me all over, in order to thoroughly check under the hood.  I got to know my DOCTOR and they got to know me, as far as my health was concerned.   My new “doctor” has me feeling quite unsure about the future of my health care.

I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like not knowing what’s wrong with me.  Wonder if my old doctor will take my call?

Sending love and light,

Dana

Ch…Ch….Ch…Changes

Yesterday, between the hours of six and nine pm I did the following:

  • upgraded this blog to a “personal” plan in order to transform it to a more proper Author’s Blog (whatever the hell that is…)
  • kicked my “satinsheetdiva” (oh, the follies of youth) name / persona to the curb, opting for the more author appropriate Dana Ellington, MAPW (new website domain is dana-ellington.com.  LOVE)
  • moved said domain to the realm of my business website (www.nowatapress.com – thank you Alexis Chateau, PR!) so I may manage all of my business venture websites under one log in
  • finally landed on the ‘official’ working title, tag line, and processes / posting and event schedules for the other coaching work I do which will be launching officially the same day as I re-launch the official-ness of the OTHER coaching work I do.  Stay tuned.
  • bought a spot for book sales at the Decatur Book Festival (they’re expecting over 80,000 people!!!  One or two might buy one of my books, eh?) coming in September.
  • bought my plane tickets to go see Danielle LaPorte in person (have you even taken a small peek at The White Hot Truth or any of the other Danielle LaPorte stuff I’ve linked?). That’s my bday present to myself this year. And I feel downright guilty for having spent the money. Go figure. sigh…
  • and had my head shaved.

I am in the middle of a freak out of epic proportions. Although you can’t tell to look at me, I am a MESS of mixed emotions: self-doubt, excitement, wonder, relief, joy, fear, overwhelming gratitude for the love, acceptance, and support of some key people in my life; there’s some guilt, anger, resentment, floating around in here; I’ve got a touch of faith that the Universe is working in my favor, and abject certainty that I’m going to be punished for daring to do what I wanted to do. There’s some jealousy and a little pity buried in here too.  Oh, there’s a touch of grief / mourning for opportunities not taken, for situations not handled well, people who passed on before I got the chance to resolve some issues, etc.

My old numbing techniques and general other self-sabotaging behaviors are swirling around; sharks to blood in the water, for a visual. I’m afraid to leave my home for fear of one or the other of them taking me down into the depths where they can feast on my drowning carcass at their leisure.

I’m writing this all out as a prayer. I’ve already done my Morning Pages, but I avoided going deep. Apparently this one needed a more public display so as to be projected more strongly to the Heavens (or wherever my Divinity resides. Sometimes I think She’s always lived inside me, other times I think I have to pull Her down from above.)

So okay, here goes.

My Goddess, God, Creator, Source, et al, who art in everything. Hallowed be Thy names. Thy empire come, Thy will be done, on Earth as You would have it be done. Give us (me) this day, our (my) daily blessing, and forgive us (me) our (my) trespasses, as we (I) forgive those who trespass against us (me). Lead us (me) to our (my) Purpose and deliver us (me) from Resistance (as described by Steven Pressfield in the War of Art). For Thine is the Universal love, acceptance, and abundance we all (I) seek. Forever and ever. Amen.

As always, sending much love and LIGHT,

Dana

There’s a Critter in my Box

Sigh.0518171604a

That little critter spent two days hanging out in my file folder – holder.  I had been in and out of the mesh box I don’t know how many times before I finally saw it. Fortunately, it was very still and didn’t do anything to startle me.  We spent those two days just sort of hanging out. I introduced it to my coworkers on the second day.  They weren’t all that impressed.

I, on the other hand, felt much like I did when I was a wee little tot adopting stray animals that happened to show up in my sphere of play.  There was a wild hedgehog, a string of feral cats, numerous caterpillars…I’d name them, talk to them, leave food for them.  The hedgehog earned me a trip to the doctor as I developed a skin rash from the handling of it.

I was a wild animal whisperer back in the day. I picked up and petted a baby diamond back rattler once and had a small bear stand on me on two separate summer camping excursions.  The feral cats NEVER bit or scratched me; they let me pet them, they let me feed them and one even let me pick it up. I pet that poor hedgehog into bad health probably as I was fascinated with the feel of it’s quills. Hence the skin rash.  I talked a squirrel out of the tree in a public park. That time I did get bit as it crept up to me, thinking I had some food in my hand. It grabbed my hand and took a nip of my pinky. Bled like the dickens and thanks to my sister’s overreaction, had me taking another trip to the hospital in fear of a potential bout of rabies. Fortunately, the doctor was less afraid and so cleaned the bite and sent me home with a stern warning to leave those wild animals alone.

Aside from the *shudders* spiders of late, this little lizard is the first truly wild critter to make itself at home so close to me.

0518171608a

I don’t mind really. I’ve named it George.

Hope you’re having a nice weekend.

Sending love and light…and the love of random critters.

Dana

2:33 AM – Deja Vu

Hey. This post is sponsored by our friends at Insomnia International, the Migraine Fairy Brigade, and Excedrine.

Guess who’s been awake since 2:30 AM? And if we take a stroll through the archives, I’d be willing to bet there are at least four other posts with similar times in their titles.

Sigh.

Since I’m up, might as well churn out a few words. I’m not anticipating being sleepy again until it’s time to roll out to work, and then again at 2:30 pm when I’ll be doing my best bobble-head impression at my desk.

200

So, yeah…I was in Vermont this past weekend. I’d never been north of New Jersey (Newark to be exact), unless you count Romulus, MI.  Is that north of New Jersey? I’ll have to look that up.  Hold on.

Why yes, yes it is. So, okay, I’d never been north of Romulus, MI before in my life! It was an 18 hour drive to and from.  One I did by myself, straight through, Friday (5/12) and then again this past Monday (5/15).  I had taken Tuesday off just in case – good thing too because the exhaustion caught up with me round about 2:30 in the afternoon on Tuesday (there has got to be some spiritual connection in my life to those numbers / times of the day).

Vermont, the parts of it I saw, are amazingly beautiful. Idyllic. Picturesque. Oh, and I just Google Mapped it – I have to take back my earlier statement about having not been further north than Romulus, MI.  Apparently, England (Burwell and then Lakenheath to be exact) where I lived for 4 wonderfully remembered years, and have visited now twice, is further north than both Romulus and Vermont. Geography is so not my thing, obviously.

north

Where was I? Oh yes.  Vermont.  My friend’s house is on a gentle slope in Huntington. It’s surrounded by woods on three sides, has a rushing ‘brook’ (bigger than a creek, way smaller than most rivers) in a ravine along the back.  The sound of which was enough to instantly relieve whatever stress I felt. There are moose and the occasional bear seen in and around the property.  It was HEAVEN.  Too bad I couldn’t live there, lol.

What I mean by that is, as wonderful as it was to visit, the depth of the snow, the many months out of the year there IS snow, the lack of racial diversity, and the smallness of the towns, hamlets, and villages, would soon drive me insane.   There are a ton of great writing spots though – my goodness, the areas we visited while I was there would make for the perfect writer’s retreats. I’m already planning my next visit.  The Von Trap family (of Disney make over fame) still have a lodge in Vermont that is owned by some of the grand kids. We drove by the sign on our way to a most wonderful breakfast.

Be on the look out for blog changes. Going legit on the business front requires branding myself in my various roles. Publisher me has a spot at www.nowatapress.com.  Author me, who has been hanging out on this blog will get her own spot, hopefully to be, danaellington.com (fingers crossed it’s available).  I’m working on post ideas and a schedule now – since they’re business oriented, the content must be geared toward supporting my customers / clients / readers and promoting sales. None of this random, o’dark silly, head ache inspired rambling – according to the “experts”, this is NOT how one should blog if one is to be taken seriously in the eyes of one’s potential customers.  Sigh. You do realize how difficult it is for me to do things the way I’m “supposed” to, right? This ought to be funny.

Oh, would you look at the time (4:46 am).  Thanks for sitting with me for a while. I feel a little better now, so I’m going to lie back down for a bit.

Sending love and light,

Dana

22 of 40 – It’s Been a Minute

Another revelatory round of Morning Pages. Check this out. I have come back to my home town every year since I moved away in 2005. I started coming back to do writer’s events in 2010.  It has snowed every trip back with the exception of the one time I came back during a summer to take my daughter to a (no rude jokes please) band camp.  I moved to Georgia in 2005 – it has snowed in Georgia to some extent every year I’ve lived in there. What is the deal with the snow, I wondered.

Another little bit of background. I used to not be concerned with snow or the cold. Even when I had to get out in it to go to school. It was an inconvenience but still nothing that bothered me much. Then one afternoon, one of many where I’d manged to lose my house key, I came home from the bus stop and no one was home. It was COLD out. I had on my ‘good’ winter coat, a lovely velvet – maxi length coat that was all the rage back in that day. It was heavy, but not long term cold heavy. Anyway, I sat on the porch for awhile in the fading light of the winter day. When it got dark, I huddled in the recess between the front door and the wall. I don’t remember how long I was there. I got home from the bus at maybe, 3:30pm. It was full dark when my mom and sister finally pulled up. I’ll never forget, my sister, when she got out of the car said, “Hey look mom, we’ve got a package. No wait, that’s Dana.”  They opened the door and got me inside. Shortly after, I began to cry because my hands and feet hurt so bad; my sister had me holding my hands under warming running water. I don’t remember much of the rest of the evening. I can tell you that like most women I know, I tend to stay cold. And once my hands and feet get cold, you can pretty much hang it up. I’ve never had a pair of gloves that kept my hands warm since that incident. Suffice to say, snow and cold are NOT my forte.

So, why has the snow followed me around? Here’s where I get to the point of this post. After this morning’s Morning Pages, I think it happens as a reminder to find the beauty, I’m using beauty as a general term, in every moment. When I stopped complaining this morning, just stopped and listened, I was reminded of how beautiful this city can be when under a blanket of cold, but crystal, sparkling, snow. How spiritually cleansing the silence of a snowed in city is – when every sound is muffled, the skies are of HD clarity, the stars overhead shining like cliched diamonds. The Source exists in those moments for me, without a doubt.

I am reminded by this snow fall to find the beauty in my fear, in the uncomfortable moments. Not every day is going to be peace-ful so sometimes, in my discomfort, I will need to look beyond the cold, the pain, the unease – I will need to reach deep, beyond the surface, and find the beauty. That is the reason it snows.

Apr 29 2017 Denver CO

Sending love and light,

Dana

21 of 40 – I want to scream…

…to rage against the heavens, my language and attitude born of hell. I want to curse the day, to use my ire to rend the sky, letting lighting strike, the thunder shaking the very core of this Earth’s foundations.

I want to abdicate responsibility, to treat others as they have treated me with not a thought given to karmic retribution.  To do evil unto others and still sleep soundly at night wrapped in the false righteousness of my actions.

I want to wish death’s visit to those who have trespassed against the world. To hear their tortured screams as they die slowly, painfully. To watch as no one cries tears at their passing, but instead burn effigies in celebration.

I want my dark side let loose.

But then I remember my beliefs. My hopes. My dreams. My teachings and lessons so very vigorously, and sometimes painfully, learned. I remember what it’s like to be the outcast, the victim, the one who was bullied. I remember the pain. The longing for salvation, compassion, acceptance, love.

And instead, I turn to my Light and I call it forth. In great waves I send it forth. I work to heal the atmosphere, to bring more fresh air and clean water into the world. I work to close the Earth’s fissures, to fight against those technologies that would tear our world apart. I wrap my darkness in LIGHT so I know what it feels like to be forgiven.

Then I turn off the news, stop listening to the radio, and avoid anything that has to do with the hate. At least I’m getting more writing done this way ;-).

Sending love and light,

Dana