Okay, now where was I?

Oh yes, so we left off with me explaining how my recent bout of anxiety attacks is none other than my Divinity giving me a “thunk on the head” that I need to do better with my mental / emotional health. I’ve let my empathy run me over and it’s left me floundering in other people’s emotions. I have to free my joy from under the blanket of fear, insecurity, anxiety, hate, etc. that has cropped up in a couple of people I interact with on a daily basis. I also need to reclaim some personal space that is free from other people’s energy. I’m an introverted empath and have NOT had a single, SOLITARY retreat in ages.

As I like to practice what I preach (coming in July, The Next Chapter – Turning the Page from Dreams to Reality), I’m going to initiate a 30 day challenge in which I shut off the world via any type of screen – phone, computer, television – by five o’clock pm. My time between when I get home from work, which is now going to be around 6:30 pm, and the time I go to bed, which I hope to be no later than 10pm, will be spent hand writing my words for July Camp NaNo, exercising, doing yoga, and meditating.  My weekend screen hours will shift to Saturday night (if I’m at home) between six and ten, and none on Sunday as that’s my self-care day anyway.

I’m still not sure if I’m going to take the anxiety med or not. I’ve got a follow up with the nurse practitioner in July. I’m hopeful that between now and then, I can turn this around with the exercise, yoga, meditation deal. If I haven’t, then I’ll think again about taking the med. sigh

So, okay, that’s it. As my Morning Pages continue to be the new spot for this kind of life processing,  I will be back to blogging on a more regular basis. Look for my posts to become more engaging in that I’ll be asking more questions and sharing the successes / lessons learned as I continue on this journey. I really hope you’ll stick around.

Sending Love and Light,

Dana

Where have the words gone?

I’m beginning to think my Morning Pages routine has usurped my Blog in terms of where I go to process my life. Used to be I’d post my inner ramblings (edited of course) here whenever the words demanded release, or I needed to “think”. Since entering the 8th month of daily Morning Pages, I’ve noticed a decidedly dramatic dip in how often I want to blog. There’s also quite the difference in what I post. I’ve been re-blogging mostly, or droping the barest of words into the blank post “page”.

That’s soon to change though as I’m in the final few weeks before the official business launch. Sure, I’ve been writing, publishing, and in some ways coaching new writers since 2008 but this year is the year I make my business known to the state and feds (damn taxes) AND I actively solicit clients for not just one or two business ventures, but three!

The websites are up, one of which is sorely in need of creative content. I’ll wrap that up in the next two – three weeks. I’ll send off for my business license on my birthday (just feels right to do it that way), and then announce the grand openings and such on July 18th, the official birthday of my first ever SELF published book.  There will be a book release announcement that day as well (FINALLY!!!).

Now, about my recent physical health worries. Talked with the nurse practioner. As we discussed my “symptoms”, she and I concluded that what I’m having are anxiety attacks. Mind you, I’ve had one or two before but they didn’t feel as whack-a-doodle, nor did they repeat themselves on the daily. But okay, anxiety attacks. She of course, prescribed a pill. Now mind you, I am sensitive to drugs. My OTC headache med gets me high, I’m that level of sensitive. I have a high threshold for pain as well so eschew using any type of pain meds harder than say Tylenol or Advil. I was once given morphine after a surgery and as soon as I could catch someone between automatic IV drips, I made them take it away. The nurses were dumbfounded but I was adamant. They took to giving me children’s Tylenol with my meal and even that went unused.  Anyway, given what I know about my reaction to drugs, I am RELUCTANT to take this pill. Even though she swore it was the mildest dose she could give me, I am RELUCTANT. Ha, the idea of taking the med makes me even more anxious; oh the irony.

So, with all that’s going on in my life right now, and believe me, there is more than I’m posting here. My Morning Pages can attest to that. With all that I have going on, I’ve decided that this is nothing more than my Divinity sending me a loud message that I need to work more on my mental and emotional health / wellbeing.  I’ve spent the majority of my life since my last ear infection in the 9th grade, extremely healthy. Physically. But as I’m aging, my body can’t keep all its systems in top condition without the aid of a sound MIND. I’m not thinking / feeling healthy which is prompting me to make some not so sound decisions. Consequently, my body is sending a loud signal that something’s out of whack. Hence, the anxiety.

I’m sorry, is this post dragging on?  I can’t see the current post word count, my auto-hide function on my tool bar seems to not be working. Sigh.  Either way, this has been quite the ramble. I’ll stop here for now and come back tomorrow with the rest of the story.

Hope you have a wonderful day,

Sending Love and Light

Dana

Ch…Ch….Ch…Changes

Yesterday, between the hours of six and nine pm I did the following:

  • upgraded this blog to a “personal” plan in order to transform it to a more proper Author’s Blog (whatever the hell that is…)
  • kicked my “satinsheetdiva” (oh, the follies of youth) name / persona to the curb, opting for the more author appropriate Dana Ellington, MAPW (new website domain is dana-ellington.com.  LOVE)
  • moved said domain to the realm of my business website (www.nowatapress.com – thank you Alexis Chateau, PR!) so I may manage all of my business venture websites under one log in
  • finally landed on the ‘official’ working title, tag line, and processes / posting and event schedules for the other coaching work I do which will be launching officially the same day as I re-launch the official-ness of the OTHER coaching work I do.  Stay tuned.
  • bought a spot for book sales at the Decatur Book Festival (they’re expecting over 80,000 people!!!  One or two might buy one of my books, eh?) coming in September.
  • bought my plane tickets to go see Danielle LaPorte in person (have you even taken a small peek at The White Hot Truth or any of the other Danielle LaPorte stuff I’ve linked?). That’s my bday present to myself this year. And I feel downright guilty for having spent the money. Go figure. sigh…
  • and had my head shaved.

I am in the middle of a freak out of epic proportions. Although you can’t tell to look at me, I am a MESS of mixed emotions: self-doubt, excitement, wonder, relief, joy, fear, overwhelming gratitude for the love, acceptance, and support of some key people in my life; there’s some guilt, anger, resentment, floating around in here; I’ve got a touch of faith that the Universe is working in my favor, and abject certainty that I’m going to be punished for daring to do what I wanted to do. There’s some jealousy and a little pity buried in here too.  Oh, there’s a touch of grief / mourning for opportunities not taken, for situations not handled well, people who passed on before I got the chance to resolve some issues, etc.

My old numbing techniques and general other self-sabotaging behaviors are swirling around; sharks to blood in the water, for a visual. I’m afraid to leave my home for fear of one or the other of them taking me down into the depths where they can feast on my drowning carcass at their leisure.

I’m writing this all out as a prayer. I’ve already done my Morning Pages, but I avoided going deep. Apparently this one needed a more public display so as to be projected more strongly to the Heavens (or wherever my Divinity resides. Sometimes I think She’s always lived inside me, other times I think I have to pull Her down from above.)

So okay, here goes.

My Goddess, God, Creator, Source, et al, who art in everything. Hallowed be Thy names. Thy empire come, Thy will be done, on Earth as You would have it be done. Give us (me) this day, our (my) daily blessing, and forgive us (me) our (my) trespasses, as we (I) forgive those who trespass against us (me). Lead us (me) to our (my) Purpose and deliver us (me) from Resistance (as described by Steven Pressfield in the War of Art). For Thine is the Universal love, acceptance, and abundance we all (I) seek. Forever and ever. Amen.

As always, sending much love and LIGHT,

Dana

20 of 40 – Half way there

Ohhhh, we’re half-way there

ohhhh oh, livin’ on a prayer

Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear,

Ohhhh oh, living on a prayer….

Sorry, love that song. *ahem* So yeah, I’ve managed to consistently (with a few lost days here and there) make 20 posts in just a little over 20 days. I wish I could say I was half way to finishing my Camp NaNo project but alas…I find that bouncing between the three books (completely not the plan) has my word count all over the map but not necessarily on the fast track to getting any one of the books to total 50K words added.

Honestly, doesn’t bother me much because I’m writing again and that’s what feels good. I have one Camp NaNo badge and two or three November NaNo badges. I’ve got four published books, and at least two, maybe three that will be release ready this year. Mind you, those same three were originally slated for a couple of years ago, but my mojo went missing.  Funny how that works, or in this case doesn’t work.

But it seems to be back. I may have found my way home for sure.

Speaking of which, so I just wrote the final scene in book two. I want so badly to share it but it contains so many spoilers, lol.  I’m wondering, if I tell you now, will you even remember it once the books come out? I believe I’ have just one blog reader who has any of my books, no wait, maybe two, so really, if I share the excerpt here, I don’t run the risk of spoiling it for anyone.

Hmmmm, man. This is a bit of tough call. The scene is by no means polished which in and of itself should prevent me from sharing it. But it’s such a good one to me.

Nope, no…I’ll wait. Let me get it cleaned up a bit and then I’ll casually post it here. I’m telling you, this writing thing is like the best natural high, ever!

Have a great weekend, sending love and light,

Dana

18 of 40 – Another scene

Migraine Fairy is swooping in for a visit. I haven’t had any water today (the first in two, maybe three weeks I didn’t have any water, the third in two weeks that I didn’t get 64 full ounces). There’s also a tropical storm a’brewing in the Atlantic. Doesn’t take much, just the flap of those butterfly wings in Costa Rica and next thing you know, my head’s trying to blow up.

But that’s not what I’m here to share. Nope, I’m here because the voices came back today. Sitting in traffic on two separate occasions today, my characters rose up and spoke three scenes in my head.  Those scenes were on repeat and that’s how I knew it was real. Through the pain building in my head, they acted out the scenes with only minimal variations – their subtle insistence that I get the imagery and dialog committed to the draft. I felt whole – a sensation I haven’t had in a long time it seems.

I was able to capture the majority of the one scene tonight. It’s difficult to write through the pain, but write I must.  It is good, or at least I think so. I’d like to share it if I may…

     “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Oh, I bet you have.”
“Let me guess. You’ve come to exact your revenge for the death of your master.”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“Were you expecting this to be easy? That your righteous anger would give you the tools you need to defeat me?”
“No, I was thinking this sword and my excellent fighting skills would be all I needed to kick your sorry demon ass all the way back to hell.”
“Oh, language. You are speaking to an elder who happens to be your father. There should be a certain amount of respect in your tone and word choice.”
“Sorry, so not going to happen. I don’t respect you and as far as I’m concerned, Warner was more my father than you’ll ever be.”
“Little girl, your education is sorely lacking. Has no one told you how powerful I am?”
Victoria thought just briefly about the conversation she’d so hastily ended with Zanthia. Was she really serious about Victoria not being ready? So be it. She’d do the best she could or die trying. “Fuck you and your power.”

Victoria raised her sword, the movement so swift the blade left light trails in her vision. And then, the world went black. It was as if all the light was suddenly gone. She had the sensation of her eyes being open, but that was all. She thought for no apparent reason, “I’ve slipped between.” She was somehow no longer in her body, but she wasn’t outside of it either. She was for all intents and purposes, nowhere. It was an unsettling feeling, she wished she could feel something, anything, but there was just infinite black. Her thoughts, without the confines of her flesh and bone to hold them began to drift further and further away. Bits of her psyche, just casually floating into the the nothing. She couldn’t call them back but only sense them as they went on their way.
Then just as suddenly, she felt slammed back into her body as all sensation flooded back at once. She experienced vertigo and staggered, the weight of her body causing her surprised legs to react with muscle spasms and shudders.
“Uh oh. Look at what you’ve done.”
Victoria opened her eyes. Tiny’s body lay bloodied at her feet. Her hands were soaked in fur and flesh.
“I had meant for you to kill the child, but your damn brute of a hound got in the way. Oh well, murder is as a murderer does. That makes no sense, but it sure sounded poetic, didn’t it?”
Victoria consciously left her body, her vision taking in the scene from a foot or so above her head. She took in the room around her, a baby’s nursery in some upscale townhouse, who knew where in the city. The baby thankfully lay sleeping in its crib, chubby fist tucked into its mouth, clearly, beautifully breathing. This time, a bird’s eye view of Tiny’s huge Rottweiler frame, now with chunks missing, blood soaking into the decorative throw rug in front of the crib. Victoria’s father, Darian sat in a rocking chair by the window. Left leg casually slung over the arm of the chair, foot slowly swinging back and forth as if he’d had not a care in the world.
“You see little girl, you are flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood so if I want to ride you like a Harley on a warm spring day, I am powerful enough to do so without your consent or even knowledge. I hadn’t done so up to this point because I didn’t think you were foolish enough to ever come for me. I thought surely Zanthia and what’s left of her precious do-gooders would have taught you more about me. But since they were remiss in that portion of your studies, let this be your first, and hopefully only lesson.” He stood up and walked the few short paces between them. Victoria was still observing things from above, so when Darian bent down, slid his fingers through one of the raw openings in Tiny’s body, Victoria could do nothing to stop him from wiping the blood across her lips.

“You are my only child, but don’t think for a moment I won’t drive you mad, torture you for years, before finally killing you in order to prove my point. You are no match for me. You will never defeat me and you will never have the throne. Oh, look at the time. I must be going before the babysitter comes to check on the little hellion. Good bye Victoria. I hope we never meet again.” And with that, he was gone.

Okay, so there you go. Not a boat load of wordage, but considering I’ve felt so not in the mood to work on my Camp NaNo project, this felt like manna from Heaven.

Sending Love and Light,

Dana

17 of 40 – Light bulb…

giphy

Or an “ah ha” moment. Or an epiphany (we’ve had plenty of each on this blog).  Either way, this morning’s Morning Pages coupled with some questions from Terri Cole’s Love Revolution series (specifically the Secondary Gain work sheet)…

 

helped me to identify some key behaviors I need to stop doing. Yes, there was some “why” exploration involved, but it lead very quickly to how to “pull out the arrow” so to speak. You’ll remember that from this post, 11 of 40.

Anyway, since this worked for me, I thought I’d share it here, in hopes someone else found it useful.

Might I suggest:

  1. Watch the video
  2. Click to get the worksheet (you can unsubscribe after)
  3. Put each question at the top of a blank page
  4. Free write whatever comes up as you focus on the question

Might take a couple of runs – I’ve been doing Morning Pages now since late December and some things take me a couple of days or so of Pages to get to my truth; others have taken one and half pages, lol. This was a one and half pager so I’m thinking my Divinity really wanted me to get this lesson quickly so She shouted the answers at me instead of whispering.

Oh well, all I can do is point out the water. It’s up to you to decide to take a drink or not.

Sending love and light,

Dana

14 of 40 – For your information

In order:

  1. Do Unto Others by See, Seek, Find (Dina)
  2. POV by Stephanie Huesler
  3. FGM: What Can We Do by See, Seek, Find (Dina)

I wonder if you’ll connect dots the way I did between the three posts? I wonder if you will look around you and attempt to see things, people, situations, in perspectives that are outside your own?

I wonder if you’ll actively seek to treat people you directly and indirectly come in contact with in ways that more closely resemble how you’d want to be treated? I wonder if you’ll pause to assess situations with a different set of criteria? I wonder if you’ll find this or other US based atrocities worth acting out against?

I wonder if humans are able to stop hurting each other based on their sense of lack, fear, of there not being enough to go around; killing and maiming, selling each other, torturing each other for money, the perception of power…

I wonder.

With love, light, and ACTION

Dana

9 of 40 – Let Someone Else’s Words…

move us ALL.

I write because I struggle to speak my truth. Want to know what I’m going through, how I see the world? Read my writing.

And on the flip side, words can bring understanding. Are you afraid of “them”…bet if you took a minute you’d find common ground and way less reason to fear and hate.

LISTEN TO / READ / SPEAK THE WORDS.  Seek out what’s not being said in yourself and in others.

I love you.

Dana