Okay, now where was I?

Oh yes, so we left off with me explaining how my recent bout of anxiety attacks is none other than my Divinity giving me a “thunk on the head” that I need to do better with my mental / emotional health. I’ve let my empathy run me over and it’s left me floundering in other people’s emotions. I have to free my joy from under the blanket of fear, insecurity, anxiety, hate, etc. that has cropped up in a couple of people I interact with on a daily basis. I also need to reclaim some personal space that is free from other people’s energy. I’m an introverted empath and have NOT had a single, SOLITARY retreat in ages.

As I like to practice what I preach (coming in July, The Next Chapter – Turning the Page from Dreams to Reality), I’m going to initiate a 30 day challenge in which I shut off the world via any type of screen – phone, computer, television – by five o’clock pm. My time between when I get home from work, which is now going to be around 6:30 pm, and the time I go to bed, which I hope to be no later than 10pm, will be spent hand writing my words for July Camp NaNo, exercising, doing yoga, and meditating.  My weekend screen hours will shift to Saturday night (if I’m at home) between six and ten, and none on Sunday as that’s my self-care day anyway.

I’m still not sure if I’m going to take the anxiety med or not. I’ve got a follow up with the nurse practitioner in July. I’m hopeful that between now and then, I can turn this around with the exercise, yoga, meditation deal. If I haven’t, then I’ll think again about taking the med. sigh

So, okay, that’s it. As my Morning Pages continue to be the new spot for this kind of life processing,  I will be back to blogging on a more regular basis. Look for my posts to become more engaging in that I’ll be asking more questions and sharing the successes / lessons learned as I continue on this journey. I really hope you’ll stick around.

Sending Love and Light,

Dana

If you could see inside my soul…

Here are just a few of the items you’d find:

  • a note pad and an ornately carved ink pen with a fine tip. The ink inside would randomly change color to cover all the spectrum of the rainbow.
  • a seven year old playing, skipping, reading, but mostly day dreaming of all kinds of things

Dana in Denver, 1974

  • an angsty 13 year old who worries constantly about self worth; she has a stack of magazine “issues” with titles like, “Daddy”, “Slut or Saint”, “Extreme Shame”, “Guilt Illustrated”, etc.

giphy

  • a bookshelf crammed with an ever growing number of volumes of an encyclopedia series titled, Living with Brown Skin.
  • a Dragon with wings shaped like a butterfly’s, but colored more like an arrangement of crystals

Onyx Butterfly

  • my Divinity (although She’s not in any recognizable form most of the time, you can tell it’s Her by the glow that always surrounds Her)
  • tons of music

What’s in your gullet? 😉

Sending love and light…

Dana

22 of 40 – It’s Been a Minute

Another revelatory round of Morning Pages. Check this out. I have come back to my home town every year since I moved away in 2005. I started coming back to do writer’s events in 2010.  It has snowed every trip back with the exception of the one time I came back during a summer to take my daughter to a (no rude jokes please) band camp.  I moved to Georgia in 2005 – it has snowed in Georgia to some extent every year I’ve lived in there. What is the deal with the snow, I wondered.

Another little bit of background. I used to not be concerned with snow or the cold. Even when I had to get out in it to go to school. It was an inconvenience but still nothing that bothered me much. Then one afternoon, one of many where I’d manged to lose my house key, I came home from the bus stop and no one was home. It was COLD out. I had on my ‘good’ winter coat, a lovely velvet – maxi length coat that was all the rage back in that day. It was heavy, but not long term cold heavy. Anyway, I sat on the porch for awhile in the fading light of the winter day. When it got dark, I huddled in the recess between the front door and the wall. I don’t remember how long I was there. I got home from the bus at maybe, 3:30pm. It was full dark when my mom and sister finally pulled up. I’ll never forget, my sister, when she got out of the car said, “Hey look mom, we’ve got a package. No wait, that’s Dana.”  They opened the door and got me inside. Shortly after, I began to cry because my hands and feet hurt so bad; my sister had me holding my hands under warming running water. I don’t remember much of the rest of the evening. I can tell you that like most women I know, I tend to stay cold. And once my hands and feet get cold, you can pretty much hang it up. I’ve never had a pair of gloves that kept my hands warm since that incident. Suffice to say, snow and cold are NOT my forte.

So, why has the snow followed me around? Here’s where I get to the point of this post. After this morning’s Morning Pages, I think it happens as a reminder to find the beauty, I’m using beauty as a general term, in every moment. When I stopped complaining this morning, just stopped and listened, I was reminded of how beautiful this city can be when under a blanket of cold, but crystal, sparkling, snow. How spiritually cleansing the silence of a snowed in city is – when every sound is muffled, the skies are of HD clarity, the stars overhead shining like cliched diamonds. The Source exists in those moments for me, without a doubt.

I am reminded by this snow fall to find the beauty in my fear, in the uncomfortable moments. Not every day is going to be peace-ful so sometimes, in my discomfort, I will need to look beyond the cold, the pain, the unease – I will need to reach deep, beyond the surface, and find the beauty. That is the reason it snows.

Apr 29 2017 Denver CO

Sending love and light,

Dana

21 of 40 – I want to scream…

…to rage against the heavens, my language and attitude born of hell. I want to curse the day, to use my ire to rend the sky, letting lighting strike, the thunder shaking the very core of this Earth’s foundations.

I want to abdicate responsibility, to treat others as they have treated me with not a thought given to karmic retribution.  To do evil unto others and still sleep soundly at night wrapped in the false righteousness of my actions.

I want to wish death’s visit to those who have trespassed against the world. To hear their tortured screams as they die slowly, painfully. To watch as no one cries tears at their passing, but instead burn effigies in celebration.

I want my dark side let loose.

But then I remember my beliefs. My hopes. My dreams. My teachings and lessons so very vigorously, and sometimes painfully, learned. I remember what it’s like to be the outcast, the victim, the one who was bullied. I remember the pain. The longing for salvation, compassion, acceptance, love.

And instead, I turn to my Light and I call it forth. In great waves I send it forth. I work to heal the atmosphere, to bring more fresh air and clean water into the world. I work to close the Earth’s fissures, to fight against those technologies that would tear our world apart. I wrap my darkness in LIGHT so I know what it feels like to be forgiven.

Then I turn off the news, stop listening to the radio, and avoid anything that has to do with the hate. At least I’m getting more writing done this way ;-).

Sending love and light,

Dana

17 of 40 – Light bulb…

giphy

Or an “ah ha” moment. Or an epiphany (we’ve had plenty of each on this blog).  Either way, this morning’s Morning Pages coupled with some questions from Terri Cole’s Love Revolution series (specifically the Secondary Gain work sheet)…

 

helped me to identify some key behaviors I need to stop doing. Yes, there was some “why” exploration involved, but it lead very quickly to how to “pull out the arrow” so to speak. You’ll remember that from this post, 11 of 40.

Anyway, since this worked for me, I thought I’d share it here, in hopes someone else found it useful.

Might I suggest:

  1. Watch the video
  2. Click to get the worksheet (you can unsubscribe after)
  3. Put each question at the top of a blank page
  4. Free write whatever comes up as you focus on the question

Might take a couple of runs – I’ve been doing Morning Pages now since late December and some things take me a couple of days or so of Pages to get to my truth; others have taken one and half pages, lol. This was a one and half pager so I’m thinking my Divinity really wanted me to get this lesson quickly so She shouted the answers at me instead of whispering.

Oh well, all I can do is point out the water. It’s up to you to decide to take a drink or not.

Sending love and light,

Dana

12 of 40 – Do you trust me?

Go here.

I’ve really wandered loose, eh?  What has it been, three days in a row of no posts? I wish I could say it was because I was knee deep in my Camp NaNo project or neck deep in editing AT and TOW but alas, I was lost in my own head, swimming through life such as it is right now, trying not to drown in the depression that comes with being exposed to the news.

Random:

Non-fiction – essays if you will. I write them in my head often. I picture myself giving these impassioned speeches about personal responsibility, self-love, God and religion; I imagine giving impromptu TED talks about acceptance, abundance, and karma. The words are powerful, the ideas expressed are mind opening. But rarely do these words find their way to page or being spoken. Apparently I can only imagine reality, while fantasy must be documented at any cost.  Or is it I have confidence in my fiction and none in my fact? Could be I’m not all that pressed to force my beliefs on others, but I’ll damn sure beat you over the head with my latest novel. LOL.  I’m funny.

More random still:

Lesson revealed in this morning’s Morning Pages (trust me? click it):  Different doesn’t mean wrong. Authentic means truth but doesn’t mean absolute right.  Make sense? I’ll let you interpret that. I know what it means, to me :-). And there’s room in my world for your definition, just might not be my truth. See what I’m doing here?

Sigh. What am I really doing here?

Have a wonderful day.

Love you,

Dana

Don’t know if I can do 40

Good friend of mine is doing a 40 day blog post deal as a way to rekindle her writing fire. I follow the Artist’s Way and do three hand written pages in the mornings -most often right after I wake up, but always before 9:30 am.  Feels more genuine if I stick to a deadline.

Anyway, with Camp NaNo just around the corner and my commitment to being a professional novelist for the rest of my life, I am all about the writing so, while I may not make 40 posts in a row, I will show my support of my friend’s efforts and begin putting energy into posting more often.

Starting tomorrow, lol.

Yes, I’m putting off till tomorrow what I can do today.  Oh wait. Maybe not. I mean, I’m posting this today, so technically I guess this counts.  Cool.  So yeah, fist pump – I’m in with post #1 :-).

You’ll want to check out my friend’s blog: See. Seek. Find.

Now, I’m off to work on post #2.  Oh, and an idea for post #3 just popped into my head. Heeeyyyy, there may be something to this commitment to writing thing after all.   Thanks Dina!

Love,

Dana

 

Random…

Camp NaNoWriMo – I have a Nowata Press cabin set up for anyone who’d like to join.  Look for me or the cabin and send a note.  I’m Satin Sheet Diva in my NaNo world as well.

Listening to the audio of the most recent Desire Map workbook by Danielle LaPorte and what do you know, she quoted a comment I’d submitted from the first time I Desire Mapped.  I almost drove off the road. To hear my name spoken, my comments repeated by someone I’m fangirling over was just, WOW.  I’m all tingly.  If you haven’t checked her out, she’s fast becoming the only person I’m going to listen for when it comes to spiritual growth.

What I’m telling you next is purely because I want outside validation – won’t matter if no one chimes in because I’m going to do what I want to do with or without the outside deal, but I’m learning to tell my truth out loud and the truth is, I still crave outside validation. Go figure. An introvert who craves group buy in. (shakes head).  Whatever.  I’m going to release this idea of what I “should” be doing with my money and instead, do with it what’s going to make me FEEL relief, less stress, and way less guilt. I’m going to dump everything toward my debt for the month of April.  No shoes, no $40 – $50 happy hour tabs, or dinners out when there’s plenty of food in the frig. I HATE owing money. HATE it. I was debt free except my student loans about two years ago, but I put myself right back in just over my head when I decided I wanted a wedding versus a small dinner party after a quick ceremony at the courthouse. Sigh. But what’s done is done and I’m done kicking myself over the juggling act that ensued as I incurred more debt when I moved, more debt when my husband moved, more debt when my daughter needed help with tuition, more debt when I got the notice that I still owed taxes from years ago, more debt when I got the notice that no, I hadn’t paid that parking ticket.  SIGH!!!

I HATE THE WAY DEBT MAKES ME FEEL.  So, I’m DOING something about it. ‘Nuff said.

Good grief – WordPress has flipped the script yet again.  What really is so wrong with leaving my buttons and such WHERE THEY WERE?!! What’s with this constant updating of everything? It doesn’t make it better just different and sometimes, different is not needed. I promise. Ugh.

So, what’s good in your life right now? Maybe if you focused on that, more of it would show up. Just a thought.

Love you!

Dana

 

Will you make this the year you…

finish that manuscript?

The last name and the website address may have changed, but the foundation of how to go about writing your first manuscript has not.

Mark your calendars to join me, Dana Ellington at my 7th Annual Writer’s Workshop held at the Blair-Caldwell African-American Research Library, 2401 Welton Street, Denver, CO.

This year, I’m presenting an updated version of last year’s popular: How to Write and Publish a Novel in 6 Months!

I’ll share the tips, tricks, and tools you’ll need to write, edit, and publish a full length novel by the end of this year. You’ll also hear from a past attendee who successfully followed the program and published her first novel!

This 90-minute session is great for writers 16 years old and up and can be applied to any genre, of writing, fiction or non.

So, if you want to finally get that novel from blank page to published, join me and my guest author, Monday, May 1, 2017 – 6:00 PM to 7:30 PM.

It’s Not That I Don’t Care…

Or that I’m not interested. It’s that it’s all still too much to take in. The never ending hate; the underlying fear that his shenanigans will trigger a nuclear World War III that will surely be the end of us all.

I continue to BE the love, respect, acceptance, and common sense I seek in what laughingly passes as our nation’s leadership at this point.

I speak up, speak out, and stand firm in my belief that there is some amazing good that will come from all of this.

And from my mom…

Subject: Fwd: here’s a promising way to help the activist fight

Since Paul Ryan has blocked his office phones and fax numbers, and is turning away people who show up to deliver petitions, it’s time to change tactics.
Please mail post cards to his home address saying NO to defunding Planned Parenthood, NO to repealing the ACA, NO to privatizing Medicare

and NO to preventing Muslims from entering our country

! (I’m sending one card for each.)Please copy and paste this info and share. Let’s see what 67 million cards in the driveway looks like!

Paul Ryan
700 St. Lawrence Ave.
Janesville, WI  53545
So yeah, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care too much and am stuck in the suffering part which for me, has me withdrawing as a means of protecting my psyche. I’m working now to overcome that part so I can function and keep moving forward; so I can apply my creativity to solutions.

Why Empathy is a Bad Thing

I care. I care deeply for ALL of us who are affected by the bullshit decisions our so called leaders (and this is across the board – look at the number of governments that promote greed, subjugation, segregation, slavery, hate, fear, and war as a means of “governing”) make on a daily basis. Make no bones about it – they won’t be the ones going to war, dying for a (pardon the pun here) trumped up cause (I’m finding it funny that trump in this case means FAKE), or being blown-up by terrorist bombs at innocent sporting events.
So yeah, I fucking care. I’m just not one to cry in public so excuse me if I come across as naive, or as if I’m burying my head in the sand in hopes of avoiding the ugliness. Believe me, I am far from being oblivious.
Stand strong loves. We are in for one hell of a dark ride.
I. LOVE. YOU.
Dana