Ah, now I remember…

Not sure how long ago it was. If I really wanted to be precise with the memory, I’d scroll back through my blog posts and find it as I chronicled a lot of my life’s ups and downs here on WordPress for quite a few years, but alas, scrolling through said chronicles is a long process. My ADOSS (Attention Deficit…OHHHHH, Something Shiny!)  makes it nigh on impossible to find anything quickly so let’s just say, I’m not sure how long ago it was and keep it moving.

*ahem* Not sure how long ago it was but I broke up with social media. I deleted, yes DELETED, not just closed, every social media account I had. Bye-Bye Twitter, Facebook, and where ever else I could remember having anything resembling a newsfeed or wall. I stopped scrolling for hours on end and got back to attempting to live my life as free from the ever present Algorithms (a.k.a. Big Brother – we know where you are and here’s what you should like, buy, and think while you’re there) as I could. I stopped seeing what “they” wanted me to see and for a time, my life was inching toward the creative fulfillment I was desperately seeking.

During that time away, I wrote two books; I fleshed out what became the BUSINESS I officially launched (quietly, lol) in July of this year.  A couple of AMAZING, dream trips happened, I reached what I would consider a high point of my emotional and spiritual growth. And then?

Yeah, I let someone convince me that in order to ‘do’ business right, I HAD to have a social media presence. At the very least, I needed to be on Facebook (and Instagram…and have a YouTube channel). I believed them and thought that this time would be different. I wouldn’t fall back down the rabbit hole of mindless scrolling that previously had driven me into a “sheeple” frame of existence.  One where I hated who I was ‘supposed’ to hate, I coveted what I was supposed to covet, and stayed within my lane.

I started with a YouTube channel to which I posted one video commercial for my business, one video resume for what I thought would be my dream job, and a video resume for a scholarship contest I desperately wanted to win (my 3rd try at that I might add). I’ve since progressed to Facebook and Instagram – a platform I have YET to learn how it really works and how the hell I’m supposed to use it. I’m depressed more often than not, not sleeping worth a damn AGAIN despite having the CPAP in my life, and am struggling to think my way out of simple, common problems in my life. I’m back in DEBT!!! I haven’t been able to complete a story draft when before, banging out 50K or more in 30 days was just something I did with little to no stress. I’ve made life altering decisions that were so counter to my core desires that I’ve since developed a low level anxiety disorder that at its most active, has me obsessing about dying.

There were moments during my social media hiatus that I remember feeling this feeling; it would occur at random moments in my day. I’d suddenly see everything around me in brilliant relief. A feeling of gratitude and connection to the WORLD would settle on me and I’d say Thank You out loud. I would just be at peace, at one with the universe so to speak. I miss that feeling and I want it back.

Side note. Saw a talk Dr. Brene Brown gave at the Washington National Cathedral. Here, watch this:

 


At one point she mentions, and I’m heavily paraphrasing here, that if you get all bent out of shape when women you admire are called ugly names, then you should be as equally riled up when women you don’t admire are called ugly names. There’s more, but this quick note will suffice. The concept is what I’m going for here.

What rang my bell was this – I’m pissed off about how Racism, Misogyny, and the unjust ways the Patriarchy (amongst all the other discriminatory practices we humans participate in) have shaped the society I live in but I shouldn’t pick and choose when I get pissed off. Example – when Michelle Obama was the brunt of racist, misogynistic comments and I wanted to blow some shit up, I should have been just as pissed when Ivanka Trump was the brunt of misogynistic comments. If I want to rile against the way the news portrays Black Men, then I need to be just as loud against the way White men are singularly portrayed.

I don’t have to agree with, like, support, vote for, donate to, or even entertain ideals or behaviors that I feel and believe go against humanity, but I do need to uphold the rights, fair and equal treatment of ALL, regardless. Should those who break the law be punished for their crimes, hell yeah. We are after all a society of law (as my husband is fond of saying). But if I believe in humanity, then I should not participate in the practice of or use language that strips away the lawbreakers humanity just so I can feel “okay” with punishing them.

Not so sure I explained that clearly. This is why I write fiction; trying to accurately describe reality eludes me.  All of that to write this.  I got side tracked but I want my joy back. I want to live a life I can feel good about. One that doesn’t wake me up with the fear that my husband is going to stab me to death (yes, I’ve had that) or that I’ve got some strange disease that is going to snatch my life away in aisle four of the grocery store (yup, had that too).  I’m tired of having to decide whether or not to remain friends with someone who has NEVER mistreated me or anyone I know of all because I saw a Facebook post that lead me to question whether they were a closet racist and were just friends with me because they consider me a ‘safe negro’.

Another side note. I can expand other people’s horizons by being in their lives and sharing my perspectives. Whatever their core beliefs, what I bring to the table, when they let me, is a different way to look at Black Women. I’m striving to be a wonderfully quirky perspective for them to ingest.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I’m getting the hell off Facebook and Instagram, lol. I can’t completely escape social media because as much as I dislike what it does to the human thought process, there is an element of it I need to control in order to support my business growth.  So I’m keeping YouTube and will more than likely add a podcast to my repertoire.  All of it will be managed by someone else so all I have to do is create content (my strong suit) and let someone else handle the editing and posting.

I want my JOY back!!! And that means practicing what I teach on a consistent basis. I do hope you’ll stay tuned.

Sending Love and Light,

Dana

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