Sigh. I am on the edge of 50. I remember as a kid imagining what I’d be like at 21, but beyond that, I don’t think I built any kind of fantasies, goals, or images of life beyond that golden age.
Yet, here I sit (much to my health’s dismay), twenty-eight years / sixty pounds / 20+% body fat, beyond 21 wondering what I’m “supposed” to be, how I’m “supposed” to look and feel.
My body has done some weird thing where it hurts now at the slightest provocation. If I sit “too long” I swell, my back and hips hurt; if I move anything heavier than a dinner plate, my neck, shoulders, arms, back, and hips will hurt within minutes. I have bruises that won’t fade – my skin looks mottled and feels dry most of the time. I wonder sometimes if I’m part lizard. I’ve already mentioned the hair loss. That seems to have reached its peak this year and I am, for all intents and purposes bald, save for that lingering, lustrous one inch line of hair along the back of my head from ear to ear (WTF?!).
And about those feelings? My likes and dislikes, my sense of adventure…all of that seems to have changed without my conscious consent or any effort on my part. Dancing till dawn, riding roller coasters, road trips, cruises, going for walks just because, mall crawling / shopping for clothes – all of what I used to do for fun and relaxation? Meh. I’m not moved by any of it any more.
I don’t know who I am.
The one constant is the writing though. I am so thankful that hasn’t changed. Putting words to page is still how I process, how I think. How I breathe. But, given all that I’ve mentioned above, I’m afraid my passion for the written word is changing and like those things mentioned above, I won’t notice it until it’s so different it will be rendered unrecognizable to me.
I can see why women back in the day were sometimes thought to have gone insane in their later years. This is enough to drive anyone to the brink of insanity. Oh well, at least for me it’ll be a short trip. I’ve lost myself several times through out the years. Guess I won’t complain – even though I’ve taken this trip before, I’m traveling an unfamiliar route. Might as well enjoy the scenery. Here’s hoping the return brings me back to someplace I’ll enjoy.