I’ve felt too much over the last two months and now I can’t feel much of anything. Well, there is that slow simmering anger that seems to find new and interesting ways to show up. The cause of which I’m reluctant to write about lest it be read by the current regime thus leaving me open to being banished.
On the verge of digression, let’s get back on track shall we?
I’m concerned that if I can’t feel exactly what’s going on for me emotionally then how in the world will I be able to express then release it? I don’t want it manifesting in some disease of my body (as I believe extensive hoarding of emotions, both positive and negative, but mostly negative, can create) or Goddess forbid, have me experience a mini explosion of WTF in either my brain or my heart.
I’ve stopped walking for release because I was busy with house hunting, then moving, then getting situated, all the while planning / paying for the event, in the midst of trying to maintain my job. Still more to come about my new space as I am REALLY diggin’ where I’m living. Despite the critter driving me from my bed. Oopps, you caught me digressing again. Where was I? Oh yes. I’ve gone back to the occasional side of french fries, the not excessively-sweet, sweet drinks at least once or twice a week, and just the other day, I found myself stress eating humus on gluten-free, seasoned, pretzel sticks.Yet people are remarking that it looks as if I’ve lost weight :-).
But just yesterday I noticed this numb feeling where my joy, creativity, love, and care usually are. Grateful is still there, but the other positively charged emotional dwarves are absent. Or perhaps I should equate them to Care Bears. Remember those? Hated ’em as a kid but they are suddenly relevant to being able to provide a visual for what it looks like in my happy place.
Maybe it’ll all settle down once the event is over and I can go back to worrying over JUST the job. It would be nice to sleep in on the weekends again, at least. Get back to being excited about my evening walks, the number of healthier food choices I make in a day, or the amount of money I save by NOT EATING EVERY FREAKIN MEAL at a restaurant. I’d like to once again be IN LOVE, be in tune with my feelings, my intentions, my creative selves. I have three books that haven’t gotten the proper care and feeding. THREE!! That’s revenue just sitting on my hard drive. My writing life overall hasn’t spent this much time in limbo since before 2008, at which time it had been in a 29 year long forced stasis.
I enjoy sunrises and sunsets, I do. But they’re less beautiful when they bookend a night of tossings, turnings, nightmares, and brain chatter that drowns out the voice of my Divinity.
Oh well. Thanks for stopping by. I love you, still.