Fantasy? Reality? Which one is really me?

An over blown sense of responsibility? Fear? Definitely a combination of the two is what has me waking up at the slightest noise of a loved one with in earshot. They aren’t in distress, but it sounds like it when they cough in the night with a cold – I hear it and think pneumonia, bronchitis, uncontrolled vomiting, the potential to choke on the mucus. So I have to be awake enough to drive them to the hospital or at least supply the proper address if a call to 9-1-1 is required. Not to mention my natural squeamishness at the sound of bodily fluids being expelled from one’s nostrils and or mouth. gack.  Or perhaps they’ve had a nightmare from which they’re going to awake and need reassurance? Or, goodness forbid it’s an intruder’s stealthy lock picking I hear, or worse yet, their sneaking footstep on the stair. Either way it goes, my sleep  is broken and quite often irreparably for the night. And what happens then? This kind of post.

I want to light up in my world; eccentric? Naw, just solid in my damn bight joy. No, I am NOT good at; not interested in; not trying to be rich. Shocked? Don’t be. I’ve never been motivated by money – the having of it stashed away so someone else might deem me worthy. HA! Nope. I am motivated by being able to spend it to do the things I WANT to do.

I want to live in a nice home, with heating and cooling; hot and cold, healthy running water through the solid, up to date and code, indoor plumbing. I want to wear well fitting, comfortable, flattering clothes and shoes. I want to look effortlessly my best. I want my children to afford college / vocations / their PASSIONS for positivity in their lives. i want to eat nutritious food and be able to provide it for others.

Expensive is NOT a want but quality is. I want to be healthy and live a long, quality filled life that includes travel and adventure as I define it.

It’s just that simple. If I never had to do anything other than WRITE, SPEAK about my writing, READ, and travel? I’d be one hot, lit up, passion-filled, human BEING.

Shame I feel the need to live my authentic self through a fictional persona. Oh sure, it’s really me wearing custom made fangs and a fake attitude of bravado; not caring what others are going to think but then again, if that were the case, I wouldn’t have to do it under an assumed name (Code Name: Onyx Butterfly).

I changed nicknames every summer as a kid. I attempted to change personalities each time as well. They’ll like me if I…they’ll stop teasing me if I… Summer was an easier time to switch because I was away from the school bullies. Funny how I took what they said about me as the truth (as if they knew me better than I did) and what I felt about me as a lie. I’m still doing that aren’t I?

Will the real me ever stand up?

7 thoughts on “Fantasy? Reality? Which one is really me?

      1. I’ve been there so many times. I finally had to start trying to sleep in on the weekends, and I find myself dozing off nearly every day for a short nap. There is just way too much going on and the body and mind aren’t willing any longer.

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