I’m in the midst of an audio course and this question was today’s topic. I sat and thought about it. I sat still as the obvious answers, those trite replies that always come up at the first utterance of ‘fear’ or ‘afraid’, sprang forth with the flair of a 4th of July fireworks display . Once they petered out, the silence afforded me responses that come from closer to my truth. And then finally, I’m afraid the ‘real’ me won’t be seen as worthy; that if I am who I am, for real, I will be cast out, shunned, teased, bullied, physically abused or at worse, killed.
So I avoid showing up as my authentic self. I avoid sharing my core being. I change or deny my REAL in favor of other’s comfort so that they will accept me into the group. Or at least, not call me out or pick on me. Yeah, even at my age, I’m still afraid of being teased.
I need a bonfire. I’d like to burn all of this paper I’ve amassed. I’m a hoarder of paper it seems. I have other things I’d like to purge. Most of my shoes need to go away. I’ve listed them on one of those ‘for sale’ sites and so far, two false offers and one like. Hmph. I don’t want to just give them away knowing some one else is going to make money on them so there won’t be any runs to places like Goodwill. And yes, I know those places claim that the money goes toward charitable endeavors, but honestly, I have my doubts. Would much rather donate directly to a women’s shelter but haven’t come across any that accept or have any use for high heels. I’ve also got a bunch of old movies on VHS and a VCR on which to play them, but the technology is apparently too old to be wanted anymore so the shelters I’ve approached won’t take them, the pawn shops won’t take ’em and NO ONE responded to the Craig’s List ad I placed. I’ve got to find a specialty recycling place if I want to throw them away because you can’t just toss VHS tapes or old CDs for that matter.
What has that got to do with my fear? Meh…not a heck of a whole lot, it’s just that as I think about the life I’d be living if I wasn’t afraid of being teased, etc., it would be free of all this crap. My garage would be empty, my living spaces, minimal – filled with things I used every day, that bring me the peace of mind and soul I’m seeking. I want to do a massive purge but I don’t want to just throw away things that others may find useful and I don’t want to give away things for someone else’s profit. Honestly – I’d be miffed that someone got this stuff from me for free, then turned around and sold it and made a profit. Granted, they may need the money, but the cynic in me sees it as me being taking advantage of. It’s my stuff, so shouldn’t I be the one making the money from it? sigh.
I just shared an HONEST opinion and I’m already debating deleting it because of how it might “make me look” to other people.
Oh well. I want a nap.