Yeah, I’m thinking self-sabotage and insanity (the one where you do the same thing over and over expecting different results each time, not the one that has you, well…needing extensive therapy and or psychotropic drugs) are one in the same. Both leave you expending a bunch of useless energy to end up right back where you started.
I remember when I got my first ten-speed bike. This was back in the late 70’s – had the curved handle bars and everything. Anyway, having no real understanding of the gear system and how it mattered, I hopped on that bad boy right out of the box and hit the road. I’d been riding around for a while when my family rolls up alongside me in the car. My sister yells to me, “you should probably shift gears.” What? “You’re doing all that peddling but aren’t getting anywhere. Shift gears!” You see, I’d been rolling along in first gear. I’m just a-peddling my heart out but wasn’t really going even remotely fast; I was investing a lot of energy and getting an almost negative return on that investment.
When I finally did learn how all the gears worked to enhance or detract from my investment, I learned to use them all to my advantage and I spent many a year riding that and subsequent other ten-speed bikes to great enjoyment.
Alright, so here we are, several years later and I’m spinning my wheels, going nowhere fast. I’m self-sabotaging (not going to gym again because of the flimsiest excuses; spending money on things and in ways that aren’t on my debt clearing plan, feeling sick when I’m positive there’s nothing wrong with me but taking to my bed just in case) but seem helpless to stop. I was doing so well too. Or at least I thought I was. As soon as I thought I could see some of that proverbial end of tunnel light, I start walking backwards or worse, in circles.
How do I keep the gears shifting to my advantage when there’s something in my very nature that will flip that puppy into first without me noticing? I thought accountability was the key, but apparently my body decided that I needed a “legitimate” excuse so it unleashed the migraine fairy; then some how I sent out the “I need more excuses” vibe and life responded with a crazy shift in my work load AND the reversal of my empty nest (which comes with its own set of whacked out saboteurs). So, here I am, almost $1100 in NEW debt, and a gym schedule that shows more days off than on, a stalled business plan, and over 20K words to go to catch up my April NaNo. Just to name a few of the items on my to-do list that I’ve managed to lose ground on.
Let me work on that and I’ll get back to you.