This morning’s reminder:
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As I continue to kick around ideas for this freaking work password, what’s come up is that I’m at an age where seeking the approval of others isn’t my driving force – my achievements to date were all based on outside rewards. Parental approval, acceptance into college, the master’s degree was something my mom dreamt of for me, not necessarily something I would have wanted for myself; even publishing my writing – the motivation was to earn recognition from an outside source. It isn’t that I’m lacking in self-discipline, it’s that those goals I continuously fall short of achieving have no outside reward attached to them. No one is going to reward me if I save money each month, go to the gym on a regular basis, or pick the side salad instead of french fries. Granted, doing those things will benefit me in other ways, but there isn’t anyone to hand me a ‘prestigious’ degree or title when I have three to six months living expenses (WHO DOES THAT? AND HOW!!) in savings; I’m not going to get my name in the paper for dropping these annoying extra inches around my waist or my thighs. I won’t sell more books, either.
Could it be that I’ve gotten to where I don’t care about earning anyone’s approval or praise? Am I finally content to be who I am so there’s no need to push, struggle, or sacrifice for validation? Sure I want to be healthy and financially secure but to whose standards? I’m healthy now. A few aches, pains, and a sleep disorder or two haven’t affected my overall health. My blood pressure, cholesterol, all of my vitals are doing okay (or at least I think they are. I’ll see the real readings after this year’s physical). I live pay check to pay check but I’ll be relatively debt free (student loans…they’re immortal, I swear) by June of next year providing I don’t have any emergencies crop up between then and now.
AH HA! I’m not breaking my neck to reach those two goals because, God Bless Us, I’m honestly okay where I am in both areas. Wow.
Now, before the gods decide to shake up my little world with some crazy motivation to lose weight or save money, let me say I am extremely grateful for the life I have. AH HA again! I’m grateful, thankful, appreciative, pleased, content, comforted, blessed with all that I have NOW. Even my Buddha belly and the slight friction burns I get on my thighs sometimes 😉 are okay. Well, maybe not ‘okay’, but considering the big picture of my life at this moment, they’re not major concerns, and they’re certainly not things to be upset over. My goodness, I’ve been treating myself so badly because the only things I seemed to be able to shed with any kind of regularity were dollars, leaving my bank account as thin as I wished my body could be. I’d been comparing my life to those of the perpetually fit and or wealthy positivity gurus I’d turned to when the day-to-day news feeds were bringing me down. It was like replacing liquor – a known depressant (a.k.a. today’s headlines) – with cocaine (you’ve seen folks who are addicted to Oprah; do you know how much tickets were to her tour this year?! How many folks didn’t pay some bills in order to go sit in that audience for a hit of ‘feel good’?) Not knocking what they do, but when it comes to me, none of that motivated any change in my life. It was just one more thing to spend my money on that netted very little return on my investment.
Anyway, for whatever reasons, I don’t need that outside validation anymore and it’s taken me this long to realize how much harm I’ve done to myself looking for it. It’s not that I don’t want to look and feel my best, or be able to afford to live comfortably, it’s more that I don’t need to do those things based on any one else’s approval or recognition. I want to live MY life on my terms. I’d be willing to bet my Divinity knew this all along and has been working in Her mysterious way to tell me. I should have gotten the hint when I got up to go to the gym at o’dark-thirty last August and instead fell off my stairs. Broke a bone in my leg; had me laid up for six weeks. A hint and a half, eh?
I must be on the right track. I suddenly have the perfect password in mind.