Will this be the first year in four that I don’t release a book?

Aphrodite’s Twin is still in beta which at this point leads me to believe it’s a hot mess and needs major rewrites.  But without beta reader(s) feedback, I’m hanging in the breeze. Thinking I may just clean it up grammatically, work up a cover, and run it off to the printer just so I can mark it as DONE before I get started on this years NaNo.

But you know what?

The bloom is off that particular rose – the drive to release a book with all the fun and fan fare just doesn’t curl my toes the way it did with the first four. I pay around three hundred to four hundred dollars to take a book from concept to print release. I’ve sold, between all four books, approximately two hundred dollars worth since 2008.  That’s a sucky return on investment, don’t’cha think? The writing won’t ever stop. Storytelling is my life’s blood.  So, is it self-indulgent to be pouting that after four years / four books, I haven’t made the splash I’d hoped to have made? I don’t have millions of followers or pages full of five-star reviews. There is no word of mouth ground swell about my books. I barely understand marketing so the few attempts I’ve made have fallen rather flat. Am I whining or should I begin to believe I’m writing to an empty room, so to speak?

I’m reminded of the adages that speak to not giving up because you never know how close you are to your success. I get that. But I promise you, I have more motivation toward my latest workout program than I do for getting Aphrodite’s Twin to print. I feel as if a dear friend has suddenly disappeared. Not died, but definitely broken off all contact without warning or explanation.

Sigh.

Oh well. Really. It’s only been four books for goodness sake. And I knew going into this I wasn’t a great writer just one who couldn’t, not write. I just really hate giving up on dreams. You know, getting to the point where you realize that ship has sailed so it’s time to start looking for train tickets. I had to do that five years into my marriage when I woke up to the realization “happily ever after” wasn’t in the cards. I ditched the “I want to be an actress” dream after I caught myself on television in an ad for a play I was in in college. My 30 second performance was absolutely cringe worthy. I did earn the one standing ovation during the run of the play, but that was from an audience of high school students and I just happen to be wearing a skin-tight polyester, halter topped gown and was playing the role of an aging alcoholic slut.  LOL.  There was my dream of being “adopted” by a body builder who would train me for free to become a competitor in the world of natural body building. Yeah…I had a membership where all the muscle heads hung out, but not one of them paid me and my paltry few pounds on the squat machine any attention.  I’m guessing it was obvious even then that my work out ethic was lacking in consistency or drive. There are so many dreams / goals that have gone the way of the Do-Do.

Did you know – I wanted to be on the Oprah Winfrey show, meet Dr. Maya Angelou and Patti LaBelle.

Sigh.

3 thoughts on “Will this be the first year in four that I don’t release a book?

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