I’ve never had an easy time of telling when it was time to let something go. I tend to hold on to things way past their expiration date – things like feelings, people who aren’t necessarily “good” for me, situations or jobs that are detrimental to my self growth; goals and dreams that I don’t ever seem to move any closer to. Just the opposite seems to happen with the “good” things I begin – exercises in building my self-esteem and self-worth, regular workouts in the gym, things like that I seem to drop at the first opportunity. There’s got to be some way to reverse this right?
I self-published my first book in 2008. I started this blog in 2010. Both of those things I thought would lead to some sort of community interaction. I didn’t expect to be FAMOUS, I did however expect to develop a following of loyal readers who would regularly read and comment on the blogs when asked. I expected to have readers who would post reviews of my work, good or bad; folks who would come out to support me on a regular basis with their presence when I did an event. I expected them to talk favorably about my writing and my coaching. By now, I expected to have small but consistent numbers of books being bought online. I expected there to be consistent requests for paperbacks via my website. Then there was the marketing plan I launched earlier this year – expected that to garner a partnership or two, some feedback and a couple of sales. Didn’t happen.
All of that to say, I should maybe just accept that my passion is truly, MINE. That I write not for fame and fortune, but because to not write it not an option. I have a few people – friends / family who look forward to the next book but beyond them (all six of them), it’s just me, my Muse and my Divinity who are committed to this endeavor. I will keep writing, keep self-publishing, keep sharing my passion when asked, but I don’t want to keep holding on to the feelings that lead to disappointment. Instead, I want to remember the joy that comes when I hold my printed / published work; that deep-seated satisfaction that engulfs me when I’m done formatting my book and successfully upload it for distribution in e-format; or that giggly anxiety when I post on the blog. Those are the feelings I want to hold on to.
That’s my passion. Let’s look at my “regular” life. I’d started this year with a work out plan, my Desire Map goals, and a sincere belief that this would be THE year I finally got off the treadmill and turned my habits around for the good. I was going to have a significant chunk of my debt paid off, a significant amount of fat burned off, and be on my way to some pretty spectacular destinations. Yeah, well, needless to say…
So, since I’m letting go of the other stuff, I’m going to pick these back up. I’m going to revisit my Desire Map with my new core desired feeling (discovered that Worthy was my deep-seated desired feeling – all the others stem from that) and put together smaller goals for the remainder of the year. I’ve got my burlesque dance classes, all be it, intermittently because of the cost. I’ve still got my gym membership, I’ll just have to figure a way around my driving insecurity that comes up when I’m faced with a gym full of people who seem to have their work out lives in order (you know the ones – cute work out clothes that fit, new sneakers color coordinated to their outfits, the latest technology on which they play their tunes).
I’m going to get back on the path to self-healing. Here’s hoping I stay long enough to get somewhere, eh?