That song played three times in the span of two hours last night leaving behind an “ear worm” that I woke to this morning, which then lead to the ponderances in this post. What if I’m meant to live an ordinary life? Then all this striving to become a world renown author and a million dollar business – owner is for nothing. What if, the Universe / God / Goddess / Fate / Life / Buddha, etc. decided before my birth that I was destined for, well, average? That would explain why I have the types of friends I have; why the risks I take don’t pan out but also why they don’t leave me worse off than before. It would explain why my dreams haven’t come true – why my writing is well received, but not turning any heads. And why I go day-to-day, ending up in the middle of the road despite my attempts to “live outside the lines.”
If truly, I was meant for the life I want to live, then wouldn’t something spectacular have happened by now? Wouldn’t there have been a sign or some sort of freaky coincidence to support my efforts in that area? Wouldn’t I have won that contest, earned that scholarship, gotten some sort of response from the celebrities I sent copies of the book to?
Perhaps, the message has been here all along but I keep ignoring it because the motivational speakers, self-help gurus, and all the other “just do it” folks are just so strong in their belief that if they can, I can, that I didn’t see the obvious. But what if they’re wrong? What if they were meant to live that life, but I was not? My more religious friends tell me that I must have faith – that God will answer prayers, but on His schedule, and only with what He has decided I need. But then they tell me to continue to pray for what I want (A closed mouth doesn’t get fed). Why pray for something to a god whose already decided what he’s going to give me and when?
I’m not giving up my Satin Sheet Diva Experience (I am however going to give up calling it that). I have the means to continue to heal, grow stronger, become my best self. But what I am thinking of giving up are the business attempts, the marketing (which has begun to feel more like begging) plans. I’m thinking it’s past time to stop wanting what I don’t have, and just live with what I do. I’ve been grateful for what I have; every day I wake up is a blessing, I appreciate my friends, having a job, and the ability to juggle my bills, keep my debt to under $40K at any given time, etc. But maybe it’s time to immerse myself in the life I HAVE instead of always looking forward to the one I WANT.
My CDFs are – Divine, Aroused, Warm, Centered, and (at) Peace. I’m leaning toward believing that if I get off the treadmill that this “If you conceive it you can achieve it” – dream chasing without result – lifestyle has become, then I will finally be (at) Peace; I’ll be in touch with my Divinity because that’s what She’s wanted for me all along. I can center myself firmly in this ordinary life of mine and gain some mastery over its operation. (Not sure where warm comes in other than an ordinary life will perhaps afford me more time in my warm jammies).
I have to admit, the idea of just being here – this job, this city, this wig, this…every day – brings tears to my eyes. I feel as if I’m losing another part of what made me…me. But there’s got to be a point, right? A point where I take a good hard look at the life I’ve lived and assess what’s worked and what hasn’t; what’s served me and what needs to go. Those things that need to go, that have been a hindrance to my CDFs, I should toss them without a moment’s hesitation regardless of how much of a habit they’ve become. I should come to accept that…
… we’ll never be royals (royals).
It don’t run in our blood,
That kind of luxe just ain’t for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I’ll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.
It’s all just fantasy.