This started off as a post bemoaning being single. How it’s tiring to have to make all the decisions, carry all the responsibility, and have no one to step in and be strong when you need / want to be weak. All of this stemmed from having done what I thought was accurate budget planning only to end up $500+ short on the “need to be paids”. Top that off with reading so called up-lifting stories about women who (magically) with JUST the power of positive thinking, uttering their prayers and declarations to the Universe, increased their incomes by thousands, paid off all of their debt, and are now living the lives they’ve always wanted. How all of that got tangled up with my feeling crappy about being single is that, number 1 – if I weren’t single, there’d be two incomes perhaps producing some wiggle room and it wouldn’t be quite such a big deal of how I was so FREAKINGLY wrong with my calculations. In fact, having another human on my side with money coming in, the two of us would have done the calculations and perhaps I wouldn’t have been off by so much.
Number 2. I. AM. Tired. 13 years of being solely responsible for all the bills, making sure the two of us had food to eat, had a roof and heat. Granted, she’s of age and income to take care of her basic needs but I’m still responsible for the roof, the heat, the majority of the food. I’ve written about how my personal debt weighs on me, but I worry about her tuition balance and how it’s going to get paid, her medical bills because my insurance has a stupid high deductible leaving us both with balances after each visit. I’m tired of having to say, “I don’t have money left over for that.”
But I suppose the real reason for this post is my frustration with how slowly things happen for me. I should probably stop reading all these miracle manifestations that happen for other people on their transformative journeys – I’m doing what they’re doing – I’m praying, meditating, exercising, participating in all these positivity challenges and what not that are designed to change how much I value myself. Meanwhile, my income hasn’t improved, my books aren’t suddenly in high demand, my weight hasn’t decreased, and my hair isn’t growing back – in fact, I lost another noticeable few strands from one of my “antenna”. There is no new love interest on the horizon. Nothing. Big sigh. What more am I supposed to be doing? When is the Universe supposed to reward my efforts? Or does even thinking that set me back on the gift recipient list?
This too shall pass as my mom is fond of saying. I know enough about my mood swings, triggers and such to know where this mood is coming from and why I feel as if there is once again, no hope of getting past this cycle. Still, I’m tired. But then again, The Satin Sheet Diva Experience is a journey; I’m bound to need to take a pit stop here and there along the road.
One foot in front of the other…right after I take this short break.