Love.

What’s Love Got to do With it?

What is Love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me…no more.

Love in an Elevator.

Love Stinks – yeah, yeah.

You Give Love a Bad Name.

I could do this for hours – writing down the names of songs I know and like with the word “love” in the title. But I won’t. That would make for a boring post I think. So instead, I’m going to write about the feeling and action of “love” and how it fits into my Satin Sheet Diva Experience transformation. You see, of all the things I considered when I first thought up my journey, how I was to deal with romantic love (or love in general) was nowhere on the list. Love as an activity or an emotion isn’t something I grew up with directly. The phrase, “I love you” wasn’t something I remember hearing a lot. I do remember knowing that if someone called you “family”, it meant you were loved but then again, not all of my “family” members treated me in loving ways, so to a large extent, “love” was something to be tolerated, endured…survived. It wasn’t all that pleasant to be “loved”.

As I got older, physical and sexual abuse entered the picture and I ended up with a sense that love meant being obligated. If someone said they “loved” me, then I owed them something, be it sex, or my loyalty even when they hit me or threatened to hurt me. I, in turn, wouldn’t even utter the phrase for fear it would mean, to these destructive people, that I enjoyed it; that I wanted them to stick around and keep delivering the verbal and physical assaults. Needless to say, my idea of “love” and what it entailed was greatly warped.

It seems fitting though, what with this being the month of “love” and all, that I take a moment to really think about LOVE and what I want it to mean to my Diva (ideal) self going forward. How will I show it, how will I recognize it when (IF) it shows up romantically in my life again? I admit, the idea still scares me. I’m used to numbing my feelings, tucking them away and pretending I don’t have them at all. Most recently, my heartfelt, all be it mega difficult to say, declarations of love both ended in rejections so I’m reluctant to go that route again. But when I think about the woman I’m becoming, the one I DESIRE to be, I think I’d like LOVE to be a part of who I am. I want to give it with sincerity – making my words, my actions as loving as I can. Even when I’m setting boundaries, marking my territory, or defending myself verbally, I want to do it from a point of love, be it self-love or otherwise. IF romantic love ever decides to show up again, I want to embrace it and return it with an open but still protected heart, if that’s possible. I don’t want to be blinded by love as I have been in the past. I set myself up for hurt feelings and to be used more times than I care to remember, so no, don’t want to do that again. But I do want to be more trusting, more willing to risk being vulnerable with someone who is risking the same. I don’t know where I would have ended up, but I know my unwillingness to show my softer side contributed greatly to ending a potentially awesome relationship.

My usual February posts used to be anti-love, anti-Valentine’s Day. Too many V-Days spent hurt or single had soured me on the concept.  I’m still not down with the commercialization or the in your face, “you’re an unfeeling S.O.B. if you don’t buy me something” vibe that surrounds this holiday. Much like Christmas, it’s to the point where the amount of love one feels is reflected in the cost of the gift. I’m not going to go to that extreme. Instead, I will adopt self-love practices to show myself the type of care I am seeking; I will work to show my loved ones how I feel about them, in ways that they understand and feel. This Satin Sheet Diva will know how to love and be loved when it’s all said and done.

I’m in Love.

I am ready for Love.

All You Need, is Love.

broken heart
I have no claim to this photo.

 Yeah, I could do this for hours.

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