Awhile back someone suggested I write a piece that would amount to being a letter to my ex-boy dudes. I did something along those lines in a blog post a year ago but for some reason, my Muse came in to revamp the idea. What follows is what He and Ana came up with.
I sang you love songs but you didn’t notice. I revealed my insecurities, shared my weaknesses. I’m thinking you didn’t notice those either. I’d like to believe it’s because the bulk of my armor is so shiny and impenetrable, that the missing pieces (my vulnerabilities) are rendered insignificant, not worth paying any attention to. I’d like to believe you were just caring enough not to take advantage. But I fear that what I thought was care was really indifference. Neither my strength or weakness meant anything to you. It was the shine of my armor that attracted your attention but like most children, once the newness wore off, your interest faded. I was kept only because you are selfish with your toys.
Do you remember whispering to me, “I could fall in love with you”, before you chose her as your girlfriend?
Do you remember telling me, “I love you”, before marrying the ‘love’ of your life?
Do you remember emphasizing, “Because you’re my best friend”, all the while keeping me hidden from everyone you knew?
Do you remember?
I hate that I obsess on how easily you walked away; how easily you picked up as if nothing had happened between us; how easily I am replaced, over and over. I sang you love songs for Goddess’ sake and I can’t sing.
And that’s where they stop. It doesn’t feel complete does it? Yeah, well, without knowing why these things happened, most of my relationships (ended though they may be) don’t feel complete. And neither do I.