Not quite stream of consciousness, but unlike most of my posts where I’ve taken considerable time to shape an idea in Word, then run it through my inner edit, then spell checked it, then edited it again, then cut and paste it here in the blog, only to spell check it again, then run it through the grammar mill, then edit it some more…(whew); this post comes to you straight from my mind to the keys on my laptop key board. I won’t edit it (much), I’ll run it through spell and grammar check once (if at all), and then push publish without any hesitation.
Sometimes, the words just have to get out otherwise they’ll drive me to major distraction. Today’s words of intensity that are circling in my head:
I’m having a hard time meeting the positivity challenge today (day 21). Not because there’s anything in the way of my sunshine, or I’m feeling so negative that anything opposite of that is beyond my comprehension, but more along the lines of I’m in “observation” mode. An objective state of thinking in which I look at my life and don’t feel one way or the other. Things just are.
To come up with something positive, I have to switch to “examination” mode and look a little deeper into my existence since yesterday evening, when dinner with friends and a stroll through the bookstore brought me much joy (loads of positivity there, let me tell you). It was immediately after that when “observation” mode kicked in. To switch into “examination” means remembering.
Not that last night was so painful. I ended up at a gathering, got a shout-out and song dedication from the DJ (thanks Spyda!), was able to bust a few moves and not look too terribly out-of-place doing it. Although, I did make note, I need to really start those exotic dancer dance lessons, and make sure to buy some better fitting jeans, but that’s neither here nor there. The point I was making was that it wasn’t a bad night, if I’m in “observation” mode.
If I “examine” the evening though, I might start thinking how pathetic I must have looked, sitting there alone all night, dancing in my little space, alone and being the oldest person in the place, alone. You see where I’m going with this? Yeah, takes the positive right out of it doesn’t it.
So, for that reason, I’m going to let the “observation” switch stay on. Hey, there’s the positive – “observation” allows me to enjoy my singleness without judgement. There. That’s a positive thing. Isn’t it?