I think it only fitting that in honor of the silliness that is Valentine’s Day, I pen what will more than likely be the biggest testament to the power of positivity I could have come up with during my 30 day positivity challenge. May I present my positive take on the train wreck that has been my (gag) love life to date.
(Ahem) I give you, A Valentine to My EXs.
Side note – This letter isn’t to the one who even though we didn’t make it, if he showed up today single and willing to give it another try, would have me rethinking my current views of marriage and happily ever after. No, I’m talking to the hit and runs, the one’s who took advantage, lied, cheated, etc. This letter is to them because it’s way past time I told them how I really feel.
Okay, here goes.
Women the world over are currently being lavished with tokens of affection. From the simple greeting card to expensive weekend get aways complete with dinner, chocolates, diamonds and such. I’m single this Valentine’s but don’t worry, I’m still getting gifts, and from an unusual source. I’m getting them from you. Yes, you. And no, I’m not talking about the gift of you no longer being in my life, with your drama and grief. I’m talking about the priceless lessons your absolute ridiculous behavior taught me. Let me explain.
When you were openly flirting and or cheating on me, I felt wildly insecure about myself. I wondered, “What does she have that I don’t? What makes her better than me?“ Well, if it hadn’t been for the situation that caused me to ask those questions, I never would have learned that there will always be women who are taller, thinner, richer, more this or that, but it doesn’t matter if I’m being the best me I know how to be. And really, is that she was “better” than me, or just different? Doesn’t matter really because when a boy / man who I’m interested in, decides he wants some one else, he just wants someone else. It doesn’t change or lessen who I am. I am still the most wonderful (and getting BETTER all the time) me I can be. And that’s pretty, freakin’ awesome (with or without hair even).
I also learned what my insecurities really were and what to do to overcome them. Because of you, I learned not to expect any man to complete me, I could complete myself. I learned that it takes two whole people to make a real relationship and it wasn’t my responsibility (or within my power) to make anyone feel complete.
Then, the times when you were emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, I learned just how strong I really am. I faced you head on and didn’t back down. Not when you slapped me, pulled the knife, threatened to break my arm, or forced me into compromising situations. I stood my ground willing to take whatever you dished out if it meant surviving till the next day when I could safely and securely plot your demise. I bet you have no idea how close you came to being a body some one found in the woods, eh? I learned then, that crazy came in all shapes and sizes and to trust my instincts. I learned how to kill someone slowly enough to avoid detection (it’s amazing what you can find out when you read), and most importantly, I learned that when my back is against the wall, I can protect myself. I learned how NOT to be a victim.
But the best gift? The most wonderful thing that you, the insecure little boys, with no jobs, ambitions or drive; the dazed and confused, alcoholic, drug using, baby-mama having, lying, stealing, using, cheatin’ bastards that you were; the most wonderful thing you’ve given me is all the material I could ever hope to need for my writing. All the heart ache, craziness and such is now what fuels my muse’s imagination. In my writing, I can have you die a million times, in a trillion different ways. I can break your heart, your legs, hell even your neck and not worry about going to jail.
You tried to break my spirit, to convince me I was less than deserving of simple respect, care, consideration, and love. I hate to admit, that for a while there, I believed you. But that’s all over now. Now, your careless treatment of me gives me strength and prepares me for what I’m sure will be a most wonderfully adventurous rest of my life.
So, pain aside, thank you. I hope you eventually find or have found some modicum of inner peace and finally got what you deserved. ;-).