Here is another blast from the past, that is oddly relevant to what I’m feeling today. Only goes to prove that life is cyclical and those who did not learn from the past are indeed, doomed to repeat it. I have been on this treadmill for a LONG time now. Small changes have occurred. I’m “doing” little things here and there, differently than I have done before and am slowly building some attraction. It will be interesting to see this post next year – how far will I have come or will I still be running in this particular circle. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Meanwhile, here you go. From 2009 –
I’ve been thinking small. Why can’t I be recognized and promoted into a new job; something that has NOTHING to do with shuffling papers back and forth? Why can’t my book include a foreword by someone recognizable in the industry? Why can’t I get out and hob-knob; shake hands with “important” people? Have sales in the thousands? Make a real second income doing what I love to do? I’ve been thinking small and limited my involvement to small things. Things that won’t get my name in the bigger circles, where I just might come in contact with the famous and wealthy. This is Hot’Lanta for goodness sakes. I don’t have to be a groupie or a scandalously clad hootchie strutting my stuff at the mall or a club hoping to run into stars. Nope, I can show up to the poetry readings, the live band performances, the book signings and readings, the various low to no budget affairs that happen all over the place all the time. I can send copies of my book to any and everyone in the genre and ask them to read it or pass it on. Why can’t I be one of the millions clogging “so-n-so’s” inbox hoping to be spotted? Hell, Tyler Perry needs some new material and the Satin Sheet Diva series needs a producer. Satin Sheet Memoirs could stand some exposure on Skin-amax right along with Sex Chronicles and Zane could benefit from producing them both.
I’ve been thinking so small. Networking isn’t about trying to grab the spotlight (and why is that such a bad thing?) but about putting my name and face in front of people often enough that they can’t help but know who I am. Becoming the go-to person; the one who gets recommended; the one who gets promoted; the one who gets asked to do this and that.
I’ve been thinking so very small. It’s not about what I deserve in terms of God’s / Goddess’ / Fate’s / Life’s plan and blessings for me. No, it’s about making them stand up and notice that I’m ready to take what they have to offer. They know who I am but don’t have time to seek me out if I’m constantly hiding behind small thinking. I have to make myself noticeable to the Heavens and sadly enough to Hell as well. You’re not living large if evil isn’t trying to tempt you and right now, not even the Devil wants to be bothered with my small thinking mind. Even evil has bigger plans than that.
I’ve been thinking microscopically. Oh sure, I can see the big picture and dream about being in the spotlight. But faith requires action. Action – hone my writing skills so my work is top-notch to begin with (grad school, Masters of Arts in Professional Writing [side note, accomplished this]); action – submit my work at every opportunity in my genre of erotica and romantic fiction (contests, magazines…); action – send the current book to leaders in my field (Zane, Rundu, Black Lace authors, editors); action – send my manuscript to Tyler Perry’s people [rethinking this as his work continues to stagnate; I don’t think he’s ever going to leave his comfort zone. Hell, it’s making him millions. Why change now?] and ask that he read it and offer a word or two; action – MAKE, take the time to look and feel my best so when I do come face-to-face with Oprah I don’t have to worry as much. ACTION – whatever it takes to build my self-confidence, my self-esteem, my faith in myself and my spirit.
I don’ t know specifically when the seeds of small thinking took root. As I grow older, the names of who planted them fade from memory so only a few of them are left. But it doesn’t matter. Damage is done. And done by people who didn’t have any real investment in my growth but certainly gained their own sense of worth from putting my light out. Convincing me that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t. That I wasn’t worth the time. That it was too big a risk for the likes of me to handle. I believed them and the boundaries went up around my thinking. A high, insurmountable (or up to now, it seemed) wall made of an impenetrable substance covered with a clear roof. My thoughts, plans, and dreams grew up but only so far. Not enough room for them to blossom and spread…so they withered and more than a few of them died. I could see the sky that everyone told me was the only real limit; the moon I was supposed to shoot for and the stars that were there to catch my fall. But I kept bumping my head on the ceiling and eventually stopped trying. Pain is a great deterrent. But faith requires action, and this particular action, breaking out of this small thinking box, is going to hurt. Emotional growth always seems to hurt me.
I’ve been thinking on the sub atomic level. There are people with strengths who can act where I’m weak. A positive posse doesn’t have to be made up of best friends just people who think bigger than I do and don’t mind me riding the coat tails until I can think big on my own. It’s not asking for help if I barter and share my strengths that compliment their weakness. It’s not being weak when I capitalize on the path that was blazed before me. It is weak when I won’t forge ahead where their path ends, or make a completely new one to suit my growing and changing needs (dreams, hopes, life).