This post has nothing to do with writing, except that it serves as one of the many examples of what I like to consider my skill at putting thoughts together in written form. I originally wrote this back in my My Space (remember that? lol…) blogging days, so it comes to us from 2009. I touched it up some, but wanted to share it anyway because, well…I enjoy the writing. Hope you do too. And now, join me as we travel back in time….
“Do you really think that’s air you’re breathing now?”
I used that quote from the Matrix because it best exemplifies the “thought for the day” – this is bouncing around in my head as I take yet one more trip down memory lane and my not so successful forays into the relationship arena. Let me be more specific, why I end up with guys who flake out on me after a really great start.
This is what’s on my mind: If what you’re holding so tightly too is a fantasy, are you really holding onto anything at all? Things go along just fabulously at first in most cases (except for the man I married. Talk about holding onto a fantasy?!) then comes the 180. If I continue to hold onto a relationship that’s based on what it was (fantasy) instead of what it is (reality), then I’m not really holding onto anything. That’s not air I’m breathing, in other words.
I have the habit of treating other’s like I want to be treated. About the only lesson I stuck to from vacation bible school all those summers ago, LOL. Consequently, even my casual relationships get treated as if they’re major. I’m thinking this is the reason men run after the 3 month mark. After 3 months of me, they’re confused. Maybe even worried that I’m (God forbid) in love with them or something. Or that if they tell me they don’t want to see / sleep with me anymore I’m going to go ballistic what with the crying and all. So, while they’re busy avoiding me, I’m busy running behind them even more trying to figure out what’s going on or working even harder to prove I’m “nice”, there-by making it even more difficult for them to just tell me to get lost. They don’t want to come across as complete monsters, after all. All the while, I’m seeing the fantasy of what a great relationship we could have (all because the 1st 3 months were so friggin GREAT.) I’m holding on tight to the fantasy that that’s real air I’m breathing and can’t live without it. (Notice how I keep tying my points back to my theme, lol).
You know, hurt my feelings but tell me what’s really going on. If you’re worried I’m getting too attached, tell me. If you really do want to go back to your ex, tell me; if you really did just want those few wild nights of sexual abandon and now you want to move on to the next conquest, JUST F@#$% TELL ME. I don’t cry in public, I’m not a stalker, I won’t bad mouth you nor will I work to sabotage your next relationship. I will honor your decision and fade quietly into the sunset. Get back to doing what I was doing before you met me…you know, living my life.
It is a simple sign of respect to give people all of the information up front and let them make decisions based on fact. You won’t stop people from having fantasies, nor will you avoid hurting feelings, but at least they’ll have the reality and not the fantasy.
Okay, so it wouldn’t have made for a good movie, but can you imagine what might have happened if Morpheus had told Neo upfront, from day one – screw the pills and going to the oracle and all that crap, but instead, he just calls one day and says, “dude, the world you’re living in is fake, the real one sucks, but we need you to save our asses. You may die in the process, but we could really use your help. Need for you to pop this pill real quick so we can get started.” At least Neo wouldn’t have been so surprised to wake up in life after Armageddon with a hole in the back of his head.
But anyway, back to the rant. I fall into infatuation fairly quickly. That means, under the right circumstances, the man in question has enough of my heart, my commitment, my time and dedication to ultimately make a guy think he’s the shiznit. I am the type of girlfriend – woman friend I guess since I’m quite a bit past girl-hood – who checks in, makes sure you know what’s going on, respectful, won’t put our business in the street; understand that you need space, etc. I grew up with the guys on the block (being a tom-boy had its advantages). They would talk about their relationships and I picked up on all the things I shouldn’t do as the girlfriend. Mind you, I’m beyond just letting you walk all over me. I will dip should you prove to be an outright ass, but I won’t yell and curse and act like a ghetto queen while I’m doing it.
This is just the short version of course. You can’t really understand what I’m saying until you’ve lived it. My guy friends continue to tell me I’m a “good woman”, attractive and they don’t understand why end up in the relationships I end up in. Well frankly, I don’t get it either. Especially when after it’s all said and done, I typically end up being dumped.
Bare with me, I’m still on the main theme but taking a slight detour to explain this particular phenomenon. I have dubbed myself the “gate-way girlfriend.” It’s happened to me in more relationships than I care to admit. You’ve heard the saying that marijuana is a “gate-way” to harder drugs. If you smoke weed, it’s just a matter of time before you graduate to something that gives you a bigger, stronger high. Well, let’s say I hook up with a guy and we start spending time together. I’m cool at first, then somewhere, somehow, I cross that infatuation line. I’m diggin him, wanting to just call it a done deal or by some twist of fate, he decides we should do the relationship thing (miracles sometimes do happen, even to me). Next thing you know, every woman on the planet suddenly becomes interested in him. They start throwing themselves at his feet. His first love who left him broken-hearted all those years ago calls out of the blue confessing her undying love for him (and yes, this has happened to me). Next thing you know, he’s either dumping me faster than you can blink, or he’s starts sneaking around with the other women (yes, plural – now you know why I’m divorced) or…he just stops calling / showing up / speaking to me. And yes, that has happened to me before as well (hence my abandonment issues, LOL). Sometimes it takes a year, sometimes only 3 months, but you can best believe as soon as I have any kind of romantic attachment to a man, the love of his life or just a bunch of groupies, or ex-girlfriends, or friends who want to be girlfriends (who all, of course look, act, @#$% or whatever better than me) will arrive and he will walk away from me without so much as a kiss goodbye.
And yet, I still keep taking the plunge / treating them like I want to be treated. There really should be a blue pill or something I can take to cure me of this, eh?